I must admit that I am guilty of this. I am.
In the first few days after D-day, I called and spoke to my husband whenever I had a burning question. It helped to ease my mind from the torment. I thought of all of the worst possible scenarios…details of their affair. Some questions were me requesting his account names and passwords, of course.
My husband denied having sex with his AP in the beginning. Because I could read him like an open book, I continued to press him for the truth by asking details about the affair and catching him whenever there were gaps in his story or when something didn’t make sense. And sometimes I just wanted to know to ease my own curiosity.
One of my best friends warned me about this and said that one of her friends had told her that her one warning to others who were going through the same thing was to NOT ASK FOR DETAILS.
I thought about this, maybe for a day, before deciding that I DID want to know details. I needed to know to put my mind at ease. I needed to know if there were safety risks or if there was a risk of a pregnancy. And I needed to know if he loved her.
I will admit that I asked questions about details that weren’t necessary and have only hurt me. IMO, I think that it is very beneficial to your recovery to ask details…to want to know things that could make or break your decision to repair or move on. To know if he can walk away from her and put every ounce of his life back into your hands. To know if you are willing to forgive.
We were separated for two days before I decided that I wanted to work on things with Mike and in order to work on those things, we needed to be together. We needed to be together to show that our marriage can be mended…to show that we love each other…to show that we can get along and get past the hurt.
It is NOT easy. But pelting your wayward spouse with questions about the dirty details of your affair is pointless. There is nothing of value in the answers. Who cares if he held her leg over his shoulder and drove it deep? Who cares if she could take all of him in her mouth? Who cares if he enjoyed the sex? What does it matter if he got her from behind and she let him shoot it all over her back and in her hair? Really?? How are THOSE things beneficial to your recovery??
If you just want to gauge his response to determine whether or not he really does feel bad about what he did, then you may be setting yourself up to receive the total opposite of the response you hope for. You may find a defensive and irritable spouse who doesn’t understand where you are coming from or what your intentions are. And this will drive him away. This will only lead to an argument and make you more resentful.
Most Betrayed Spouses feel as though they are completely justified in knowing this information.. You are…your spouse should keep nothing from you if you ask for the info. But what are your intentions behind this and what do you hope to accomplish and how will these answers benefit your recovery?
And when any Wayward defends his or her belief that the result of these questions is a setback therefore they should be avoided, then he/she is deemed as someone who is avoiding taking responsibility for their actions and is trying to sweep it all under then rug so that they can skip over the painful details; so that they don’t have to feel bad about what they did. This isn’t true. I once believed it was like a lot of others.
He KNOWS those details! He remembers what he did with her. Yes he fucked her and it was probably fabulous and she probably fulfilled some kind of sexual desire of his that you never have before.
But there is no need to bring that up if you want to heal. Either he will remember the memories and relish or he will cringe. Either way, if he is willing to be with you and he is willing to live an honest and TRANSPARENT life, then make the best of it. Do the work that will lead you back to a healthy, happy and fulfilling relationship. Stop living in the past to try and punish him. Chances are, he already feels guilty for his bad choice. Focus on what went wrong in your relationship that made it vulnerable to an affair and focus on what you are going to do now to improve your relationship. When you revisit all of those details, the guilt will really set in and he will feel bad. You both will. Face it and overcome it.
I wrote a post the other day about asking my husband some questions I had read on another blog. What happened was I asked him something that brought up details I remembered about his affair and his AP. It made me feel bad and I let those feelings come out sideways. We wound up having a bad argument and I slept on the couch.
This is not how I want my recovery to go…I don’t want to be reminded of the dirty details. I don’t want to feel bad about the fact that my husband stepped out on me. I don’t want to argue with my husband.
This is an example of how asking certain questions can cause a setback. Luckily I was able to bounce right back and revisit why those feelings were brought about. I’ve gained enough strength that I will not allow an act of sex and betrayal to get the best of me. To know that I have something so much stronger.
Just like my husband’s affair was a choice, it is a choice for me to steer my relationship the direction I want it to go. It is a choice for me to ask questions and make requests that will result in positive outcomes.
So if you want to drill your husband, then ask these questions:
- What are some personal issues you plan to address that need improvement for yourself and for our relationship?
- How will you earn my trust?
- How can I earn your trust?
- What are some needs that I need to fulfill? How do I need to do things differently?
- What sacrifices are you willing to make to prove that you will live a transparent life?
- How will you show that you have cut off all contact with your AP and will remain away from her?
- What kind of family activities do you want to participate in to stay more involved? To show that we are your top priority?
And discuss any other changes you may need to make in order to be able to focus on your recovery. Maybe you need to move to another state and away from all triggers/reminders. Maybe you need to find a new position in a different workplace. Maybe you need to decide how to protect your family in case the AP decides to get crazy and come after you.
There are a lot of other things that are vital to making progress in your recovery than knowing what size panties the AP wore.
(And I apologize for the choppy thought processes as I began writing this while cooking, then I came back to it after eating and with a budding migraine.)