Today is our anniversary…

I should be celebrating, right? Instead it is making me miserable.

What is there to celebrate, really?? An imperfect marriage, tarnished vows, an affair – to put the cherry on top?

My belief in the sanctity of marriage has been stripped away. I am trying to not be bitter about it, but the day just reminds me of how marriage is just bullshit.

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22 thoughts on “Today is our anniversary…

  1. Ladybug, “perfect marriage” is a fallacy. I think the entire concept of marriage is bullshit, really. LOVE is the Law. And you obviously have that with Mike. Stop getting so hung up in the ideal of what a marriage “should” be. It is what it is. And you are working together to make that the best it can be every day. THAT is worth celebrating, Sister. Maybe y’all should write new vows. People change, situations change, dreams change. You can’t expect things to be the same today that they were 6 years ago. You just can’t. It isn’t fair to you or him.

    • I suppose you are right…I shouldn’t get hung up on the idea that my marriage should be perfect. I should embrace the flaws within it, but at the same time I don’t think of the affair as a flaw, but a self-inflicted wound. And we’ll always have a scar.

      There’s always that reminder and that’s what’s making me sad.

      • I know :( I’m not insensitive to the pain involved. I’ve been on Mike’s side of this fence more times than I care to count in past relationships. It hurts, through & through. My heart hurts for the both of you.

  2. Our anniversary was just 2 months after DDay. I told him I wanted to skip it. He did get me a card, but I struggled with the entire day. We ended up later on doing a family dinner as our “celebration” but I was very happy to just ignore the entire day. I did NOT feel like “celebrating” anything at all. So I completely understand where you are coming from hon. Truly.

  3. I appreciate blogs with honest feelings. You are not the first to feel like this. I have been with my husband 22 years and I can tell you marriage has its seasons…it is a roller coaster ride with parts that make you happy and then scare the crap out of you. If you feel inclined read my Icy Proposition post or A Marriage and It’s Precipice. Marriage or not…all of life is a struggle at times. :) Happy Anniversary ;)

  4. No marriage is perfect, I mean you have your issues in yours and I have my issues in mine, I think marriage is the only place where we need to consciously make the decision to love the other person to celebrate the imperfection of two very imperfect people coming together and managing to not kill each other and actually make sacrifies and love each other. I admire that you stack around, honestly so at least celebrate that you have something to work towards, being better together, never perfect but at least better than what you have ever been.

  5. Don’t feel bad for the emotions you are going through. Anniversaries are really hard after an affair… Instead of being a celebration of your committment to each other it becomes a reminder of broken vows. Hopefully in the future you will be able to reclaim the day. For now don’t be too hard on yourself. You are entitled to feel what you feel.

      • I do, too… We are about in the same place in recovery time-wise. I have to believe that as we continue to grow closer, rebuild the marriage even stronger, and deal with the underlying issues the sting of the hurt won’t be as strong. There will also hopefully be more positive memories that you build together to overshadow the bad ones. The affair will never go away, but it can start to have less significance. At least that’s what I’ve heard.

  6. You can’t change what happened, but maybe you can keep it from stealing from you your potential together to be awesome now that you have been to hell and back. Yes, I said awesome.

  7. sorry to hear you’re down. Try to remember how much progress you’ve made in a few months. That this is yes an anniversary of something that was compromised, but also a reminder that it’s also the launching point to a new, better, more authentic and satisfying life together.

  8. my 20th anniversary was a year ago last month. While I was in the midst of my Affair, and contemplating whether I should leave my wife. And things were terrible at home. Talk about awkward! And my wife’s birthday was about 3 weeks after D-day. THAT was horrible. There was nothing I could do to make it better.

    But this year, I made our anniversary extra special. Extra loving. To celebrate who we are now, not who we were. I hope Mike really comes through today and tonight. It will help.

  9. Hugs. :( My heart hurts for you. There is no such thing as a ‘perfect marriage’. Celebrate that you have each other. Maybe its not shinny and unstained but stains come out and shinny comes with buffing. Chin up buttercup. I’m here if you need to talk!

  10. Wendy,

    I know the last thing you probably want to do is celebrate, I completely understand. I also know that you know that there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. However, that doesn’t make you feel any better does it? Because it doesn’t make me feel any better when I hear it to, but. . .

    A lot has been happening to me in the past few days, my mind has been constantly spinning with thoughts of all of his affairs, what am I doing here, and a feeling of being trapped in a way. I would have bet my life on it that I was going to pack my bags and go back to NY. And the scariest part was, John has done nothing wrong, we have been getting along great. I just had one of those moments, which happened to last for a few days. Depression maybe? Who knows, but then I was home and we were all in the kitchen watching tv and I just looked at my family and realized that they were worth fighting for. I felt selfish to have those thoughts, even though I know that I was not the one who originally was selfish and the one who put “us” in this situation. I dont know if this makes sense to you, but I know you and I tend to relate.

    You have been through a lot. You deserve to have your ups and downs, and I will assume that your Anniversary makes your husband a little uneasy as well. He probably does not know how to deal with it either. (Although I would have the mind frame that this is his fault anyway. At least this is how I would feel with John)

    (((((Hugs)))) I can let you know from experience, that it does get better. God, I have been through this so many times, as sad as that is to say. I remember the first time I ever caught him cheating, I rarely think about her anymore. . .

  11. Before my husbands infideity I thought I had a perfect marriage, but how quickly that changed after D-Day.
    But time really does help heal, and a little bit of counselling doesnt hurt either.
    Good luck.
    Wendy

  12. Looking back at how pathetic I’ve been to want to still be in this marriage after the many affairs, infidelity that he made makes me realize how much I love him, 22 years..but to celebrate it? I don’t know what to do, I felt numb..there..do I still love him? His affairs makes me weak, makes my love for him tatters..how I wish I could just pretend to be okay

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